Now that I have a job in which I actually have coworkers, I have both enjoyed and been confused with the way people act with each other at work. I have witnessed a few ruts between my coworkers recently, so I decided to see what the experts say about how to get out of a rut and move forward into a productive and non-hostile working relationship.
According to Harvard Business Review’s “Fixing a Work Relationship Gone Sour” by Amy Gallo, even the most strained relationships can be repaired, and it’s possible to turn a negative relationship into a positive one. By interviewing experts in the management and coaching field, Gallo found that while these relationships are fixable, they take a lot of effort.
The first thing to do is recognize what’s happening. In the article, Gallo’s source Susan David, a founder of the Harvard/McLean Institute of Coaching, said there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationship problems. You may be in a rut (what she calls “over-competent”) where you don’t go beyond the, “Hello, how are you?” every day. Or on the other side of things, you may be what she calls “over-challenged,” where “you’re always walking on egg shells or constantly not seeing eye to eye.” Gallo’s second source, Brian Uzzi, professor of leadership and organizational change at Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management, said he often sees lack of information sharing in strained work relationships and both parties keeping track of reciprocation. “Another symptom of a failing relationship is that people will bring in third parties to confirm their suspicions about the other person,” says Uzzi.
David says the first step in mending the relationship is putting your ego away and give up being right. We often get stuck in our heads about who’s wrong and who’s right. And when you’re hooked on the idea that you’re right, you can’t start to repair the relationship because the issue of who’s at fault becomes a distraction,” says David. To satisfy the need to be write while not letting it affect your interactions with this person, she suggests impinging the other person with a big, fat sticker on his or her back that says I’m wrong, which will help you to focus solely on moving the relationship forward.
Its really important to look forward, not back, and we therefore need to resist out tendencies to analyze every detail of what’s happening in the relationship. “Who said what? Why did they say it? This isn’t productive,” Gallo writes. ” So think about what’s worked well previously, what you like about the person, and what you want from the relationship.” David goes on to say that while a lot of people thing that we can only get beyond the past by understanding it, but what you focus on is what grows. “Take a solution focused approach, not a diagnostic one,” David says.
In order to create a healthy work relationship foundation, one must practice empathy. David suggests making room for emotions like curiosity and compassion for your coworker by asking yourself how he or she sees the issue. Is it possible he or she is feeling embarrassed, misjudged or misunderstood? While doing this, it’s easy to assume you know how the other person feels, but instead of assuming, as him or her how she feels.
When approaching this person, it’s important to do it on neutral ground–literally and figuratively. Go out for lunch or coffee and try to avoid each other desks. “The physical place is important but so is the emotional one,” Gallo writes. “Instead of debating what went wrong and who is at fault, try to create a space where you’re aligned. It can be helpful to focus on the bigger picture — a common goal you share or a larger entity that you’re both subjected to.”
When trying to reestablish trust and reciprocity, it’s important to not try to convince the other person that you’re trustworthy with rational arguments. Offer to do things for the other person without asking for anything in return, Uzzi says, in order to restore the give-and-take of the previous relationship. Don’t verbalize what is taking place, as that will return you to a system of who is doing what for whom, he says. When you offer to do something, Uzzi says to always keep your word to make sure it doesn’t slip back to mistrust.
Gallo writes that it’s important to involve others along the way. “Chances are when the relationship went sour, you turned to other people for advice and commiseration,” she writes. “Your attempts to repair the relationship won’t be successful if those people aren’t involved.” Uzzi suggests explaining to those confidants that you are working on the relationship and you’d appreciate their support in making it work. “Bad relationships regularly involve third parties and you need to get them on board to repair it and keep it healthy,” Uzzi says.
- Exit Interviews: Get it in Writing - October 30, 2019
- Vaping Possible Suspect in Wisconsin teens’ hospitalization - October 23, 2019
- What to Do About Negative Reviews Online - October 16, 2019